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In a landmark reversal of his previously stated contention, Paul Simon admitted to the Supreme Court of the United States of America that he was not, as he had claimed, a lump of igneous, sedimentary or metamorphic matter formed over millions of years through geological processes. Cross-examined by US attourney Kevin Starr, Simon confessed to having “…repeatedly and consistently misled the American public through the medium of song, using bewitching two-part harmonies”.Brought before the court on a charge of Conspiracy to Implement Metaphor, Simon responded to the allegations with delicately phrased polyrhythmic answers, accompanied by a tribe of South American drummers from Capetown.
Mr. Starr also told the court that he would look into Simon’s claim to be “…an island, a boxer, a poor boy whose story’s seldom told and ignorant of the current whereabouts of Joe DiMaggio”. Simon had previously claimed that the references made on the single to his own petrification were merely “…imagery pertaining to my own hazy shade of loneliness”.However, Mr. Starr dismissed this by bringing forth evidence that he had been, repeatedly and for several years, “…boning Princess Leia”.
In his summing up, Mr. Starr urged the judge, Lenetta-Ann Snoop Doggy Dogg (Compton Da Fuckk South) to bestow the heaviest possible sentence on Simon, perhaps even going so far as to force him to write another godawful musical. Proceedings have also begun against Simon’s co-conspirator Arthur Garfunkel on charges of “using Paul Simon’s hair to impersonate a moustache on the cover of Bridge Over Troubled Water”. It is not yet known whether action will be taken over Simon’s description of himself and Garfunkel as “a poet and a one-man band”.